My Family Can Beat Up Your Family
by rose7anne101
Summary: Big Mom decided she needed to make an unforgettable example of one of the Worst Generation, her chosen target: Straw Hat Luffy. Me: Seriously? AliveAce. Beta'd.
1. Chapter 1

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This Chapter was beta'd by the amazing **Black' Victor Cachat** , who did the greatest job on editing and encouraging me, even with the Title. Please check his stories. I for one enjoy them :D

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 **Marineford never happened** **, Ace is alive for this one.** **Instead, the Marines and Kaido -partnered with Blackbeard -attacked Whitebeard. WB won, but was injured.**

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Charlotte Linlin, the queen of Totto Land, the only female Yonko. Known by everyone as Big Mom, and called by her family, crew, and allies 'Mama' was in really, extremely bad mood.

The different delicious cakes and pastries that were spread before her were able to lessen it only a bit.

Each one of her cakes was an exceptional feast for the tongue. Filled with different combinations of dry and fresh fruits, crushed and whole nuts. Syrups of chocolate and honey were drizzled all over.

Her daughters and the best chefs from all over the world (brought here voluntarily or not) were baking nonstop for several days now, using the best and rarest ingredients to make her a feast, to brighten her mood. A private tea party only for her.

She was polishing off a huge hot chocolate soufflé' nestled with several scoops of colorful ice cream, topped with soft whipped cream, a lot of it. And between bites gulping a freshly brewed green tea, enjoying the carnival of taste in her mouth, trying to shove aside her gloomy mood and troubled thoughts, without much of success.

At least it did stop her from going into an unstoppable rage. (There was that! Her subjects sighed in relief. Living with the threat of Mama's tantrums was bad for the heart.)

It was all the damn fault of the... the so-called 'Supernovas'. All those new super-rookies knew it all that kept in popping out. She reluctantly agreed that them being called the _'Worst Generation'_ was deserving.

Her generation hadn't been this obnoxious and callous (except Roger, he was the epitome of it all). Sure, they destroyed and bloody annihilated anything in their way but they did it with style. She swallowed the delicately decorated three-tier cake in one bite, gritting her teeth.

She would roast them one by one like beans of coca. Supernova ... **Baaaahhh.**

The bringers of the New Pirate Era as they liked to describe themselves (they dare infer that her era ended! HUH! Naïve!), were trash that dared to come floating her way, looking for any cranny and nook trying to sneak in.

They dared to try to invade her paradise, tainting and soiling it with their greedy filthy grabby hands. Even worse because of them, she needed to waste money on stupid things like fixing and buying new ships, instead of securing more candies or at least more ingredients for her delicious cakes.

Those shitty cockroaches thought that if they banded together, they had a chance in hell against her... she showed them, her children took care of them, but it wasn't enough. She should have crushed them completely under her feet.

Eustass Kid acting like some punk rock, Scratchmen Apoo the brainless monkey, Urouge the mad monk and Capone Bege (that one was part of her family now) had attempted to invade her utopia.

Her long-sought dream of her lands filled with all types of races of the world living in harmony under her rule, with no prejudice, discrimination or segregation. After sixty years, she was so close to achieve it, just a few more years. Instead of focusing all her attention and resources in making it **true** , she has to take care of those annoying flies that keep coming back, wasting precious time.

At least she had Bege –he reminded her of a short chimney— marry her least favorite daughter. Instead of killing that useless ugly Chiffon, she found a use for her. That didn't change the fact, that seeing that _face_ made her want to fly into a rage. Reminding her of the black sheep, useless shit, the daughter that run away from her marriage to Prince Loki of Elbaf ruining her _beloved mother's_ dream, LOLA (The useless Chiffon couldn't even take her place).

She hated them both, the fact that they come from her own flesh made her loathe them more. Because of those useless pieces of shit, she lost the chance to make peace with the giants and gain the means to become the Pirate King.

Big Mom clamped her jaw hard, the sounds of her teeth grinding echoed in the room.

At least she used Chiffon to secure one of those scum as her subordinate, her errand boy.

She forced herself to relax her jaw, stuffing it with one of the big cakes.

But the price to pay because of those annoying rookies was still steep.

Snack, her _once_ favorite daughter, almost as big as her, one of the former Four Sweet Commanders (holding the highest authority, respect, and fighting prowess amongst the crew after her) was defeated by that Mad Monk. She had raged hearing this.

Some new hatchling defeated one of her best. That was unforgivable.

Cracker, another commander, took care of the problem, or at least he should have done.

After the storm of fury and rage she sent subsided, they looked and looked and couldn't find his corpse. Mama had several ideas to what to do with it, better if he was still alive to enjoy it.

But alas they didn't find a corpse, and new news held that he may be alive. This scum had brought the greatest shame on her crew, and he may be alive laughing at her.

She shouldn't have let her sons and daughters handle this, she should have done it herself, should have killed all those small ants, and made an example out of them.

That imp kid (his name and look) with no sense of style had the audacity to attack and destroy two of her allies' ship.

But the one the infuriated her the most was the brat Strawhat, he was a damn bloody D. Another one. (It took years to get rid of the last one, the blasted Roger, he stole what was rightfully hers!).

Damn them all to the seven hells.

She had really been _looking forward_ to the ten tons of sweets this month from the Fishman Island to help her brightened her mood. She was planning a huge tea party, and deciding on who to invite and share the delights with her.

Looking forward to tasty sweets made her mouth water and her brain to momentarily forget about all the troubles she had to take care of.

She had _agreed_ to take (stole Haaaahahamamama) the _leftovers_ from the old man Whitebeard mainly because of the candy (and pissing on injured old man when he was down was pleasure, especially when she rubbed it in the Red Hair brat's face. She got there first! In your face, little brat!).

When news arrived that the marines lead by the three admirals Akainu, Kizaru, Aokiji, with hundreds of battleships ambushed the main flagship of Whitebeard, she had every one of her allies and crew be ready to set sail immediately to any of the old man's territories near them.

She should have known that Kiado would not stay put and wait like a good doggy. He attacked the old man with his whole fleets of allies. The fact that rat called Blackbeard and his band of mischief was with the beast left no doubt in her mind that he knew about the ambush beforehand. Only Kaido would work with unsavory people like this. Traitors were always traitors. It was a known secret that the dog of the government Doflamingo had another leash on him, made from unbreakable steel.

Whitebeard was not known as the strongest man in the world for nothing, and the marines were stupid if they though isolating him with half his crew, and no allies would make him any easier to take down.

Even on her deathbed, she would never admit to it, but Whitebeard –at least after Roger's death– did rule the seas besides the empty throne Roger left in his wake. Some say he still does, she disagrees.

She could never fathom why Whitebeard didn't use all his power and cunning to reach Raftel and take the crown by force. It wasn't because he couldn't, but because- for whatever reason- he didn't want to and that made him the most dangerous person in the world, in her eyes.

Without his allies to worry about, he unleashed his fruit powers to its full extent. _It was bloody!_

The reports coming from the area afterwards were telling of waterfalls falling out of the sky, their flow change between ice and lava randomly, whole areas of the undiscovered land that were once open water, of storms standing still, red seas as blood roaming the sky like clouds, and even crazier weather than even the New World was used to. Some of her ministers warned that they may feel the changes of the weather pattern here in her own land. _Damn you, old man._

The world government needed to announce the whole area as a national disaster and put ships all around the zone to secure it. But really, they were doing it to quell the panic and fear, to prove they were the ones still in control. She had read some of the newspapers. The Tremor-Tremor Fruit is said to have the power to destroy the world. Everyone wanted to enter forbidden 'war zone', and see _an illustration_ of how the world would look if Whitebeard decided to hell with you all.

The fight lasted two days, then the old man's allies arrived and even the brat Red Hair got involved and had a row with Kaido.

The Marines tried to play the whole thing down, but the story spread like wildfire.

The fact that the _best and brightest_ of the marines and another Yonko and traitor banded together and still couldn't take him down, made his legend soar even more. Whitebeard was the ultimate winner.

She had to admit, it made her hesitate for few seconds, if she should or shouldn't make the Fishman Island hers. But she was a Yonko, and she would never let such a golden chance go by. By the time the war ended her allies and her sons had reached an understanding with the Fishman _king_. Neptune had wholeheartedly agreed. He was beyond _grateful_ that the Fishman Island had become **her** turf.

She knew when the old man recovered, she would have a fight in her hand, so she intended to enjoy every bit of the candy while she still can.

But she couldn't, because of the Strawhat brat.

He had the nerve to challenge her (she admired ballsy people, assuming they were not an inflated balloon full of words, but could back it up. Then she could have had true fun while she crushed them.) and to lie to her that he ate all _of_ _ **her**_ **candy** (she didn't care who to blame for her missing candy, only that there was someone to blame) and to declared that he would defeat her in the New World and claim Fishman Island as his own territory (she wondered if the brat knew he would have to fight the old man too, it didn't matter, she would crush them all).

She was meaning to wait until he came to her territory, and then destroy him bit by bit, like she was doing to the layered cake in front of her; to devour him layer by layer, to see his broken spirit laying by her feet.

But the insufferable brat teamed up with another one of the worst generation, a Shichibukai, Surgeon of Death Law and they had the gall to kidnap her prized scientist-Caesar – who was the key to finding the secret of gigantification. Caesar had promised he had the results ready, she was this close for her perfect utopia, her dream since she was five— her promise to Mother Carmel.

But once again the D brat had to foil her plans.

She had sent her second son, Katakuri, the one she trusted the most, to bring him here, in front of her, to face judgment.

Katakuri had a cold levelheaded demeanor and always get things done, she wasn't worried. She had insisted that the Strawhat be brought alive, but anything else was not essential.

Strawhat needed only be able to use his mouth, so she could hear his lovely voice screaming.

She had sent her other son Cracker, to finish the job he fumbled before, to bring her that ballsy monk, so she can cut his balls for him. If he was already dead, oh well, she would cut them anyway.

Cracker wouldn't fall either. In the off chance he failed to do so, he better bring himself in boxes of crackers and jam, he would at least be useful as _snack_.

But that wasn't enough, she was being looked down at. The laughing stock of the Yonko.

It took the marines in all of their glory, Kaido and the turncoat Teach to take down the old man Whitebeard, and it still ended with him having the upper hand and alive. And here, she was having trouble taking care of small fry.

She was the one that those new insignificant small flies dared attack, she needed to make an example out of them. Something memorable.

After she finished, they would cower just by the mere whisper of her name.

And that _gusty_ Strawhat was the one she chose.

He would make a beautiful _bedtime story_ about a young ambitious man sailing the sea, making a name for himself until he challenged the sea and wind and didn't listen to Mama's advice and ate more than he can swallow and so no trace of him was ever found. His name was forgotten 'cause none alive can remember him…and what the morale of this story, _my darling little children._

 _Don't piss your Mama, always obey her and love her._

She would not only annihilate him and his tiny bit of crew and allies he had, but also everything he held dear.

His name would only be found on old faded bounty poster.

She had heard that Tamago was back, he should be here any moment with information about the new snack she intended to make.

Maybe if Tamago brought good information about Strawhat, she would let go of the fact that he hadn't brought her sweets from Fishman Island, and pleaded for her to accept treasure instead— as if treasures were more important from her sweets and candies. It better be a damn good information.

Maybe she should have all of Strawhat's family brought here by the time Katakuri bring him to her.

She would have them warped in presents with fancy bows or maybe their heads would but on a big yummy cake, or their body parts used for the filling, which she would make Strawhat eat while they drink tea, celebrating his dismay.

"Haaaaaahahamamamama…"

If Katakuri failed to bring Strawhat in time, she knew the perfect way to motivate him to come to her and fast. She would send him one of his darling family's head, like she did with pathetic Jigra who dared not attended one of her exclusive tea parties and sent a letter instead to explain, something about his mother's funeral as the reason. Fool. Nobody said no to Mama.

Nobody.

She wondered what face Jigra made when he opened her present and found his father's head inside. Pity, she couldn't ask him, Katakuri had killed him when he came to one of her tea parties unannounced. Really, he should have come when he was called. Entirely his fault.

Her mood drastically improved, she swallowed a whole tray of pastry delicacies, shewing audibly.

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Tamago was in hell. Or more accurately at the _door_ leading to hell.

He had no choice really. He needed to open the door and enter. The alternative was unthinkable.

He was just delaying the inevitable.

He cursed for the millionth time Strawhat's name, and everything and anything in the world he can think of.

His hand hovering on the handle.

He can't escape from this, he was asked specifically by Big Mom to look for information about Strawhat's associates and family, and he had done so.

God dammit.

He needed to open the door and enter.

He should have found some kind of excuse and called Big Mom to deliver the news via Den Den Mushi instead of coming here in person, preferably while he was somewhere in the Blues, hidden in an underwater cave, surrounded with sea-kings.

It was just his luck that none of the Sweet Commanders were here either.

He wasn't the one that should be handling this nightmare.

If Mama were to rage and kill him no one would have a chance in hell in stopping her. But then it was just as likely that they may help her strangle the life out of him, or more likely watch the show while sipping their tea obediently.

He took a long breath, took his sunglasses off putting them inside his coat (Big Mom liked to see the eyes of those she 'spoke' with, AKA change "like" to "order"). Hardened his nerves, clutching the briefcase with all the information to his chest and pushed the door open.

Big Mom's voice rung in the big room as the door closed behind him. _Very cheerful_.

"Tamago, come sit and drink some tea with me."

He swallowed, plastered a smile on his face, and walked stiffly and sit on one of the cushioned chairs in front of Big Mom, putting the briefcase beside his chair.

"Have some of those chocolate pastries. Pudding's new recipe."

He obeyed, taking one of the small pastries automatically, and swallowing it in a mouthful. It tasted like ash in his mouth.

"Thank you, mama, it is delicious, jour," he said politely.

She was in good mood, and that really was the worst.

Big Mom hated it when you popped her party's happiness. The happier she was, the more rage she unleashed when hearing bad news.

"What did you find about the insolence boy Strawhat?"

And that was the fucking problem he had found a lot.

 _Slowly_ , he told himself encouragingly.

He had wanted to at least bring the insolence shitty brat Strawhat here, to soften the blow. He had called Katakuri, hoping for any ray of hope, to find none.

"We still can't find him or his whereabouts... sorry ... _soir_..M…Mama .. we are still looking."

Big Mom nodded, unbothered, she had already known this.

"What else? His family, friends... I am going to destroy everything dear to this ant... make an example out of him," She told him, her mouth stretching, giving him a slow, creamy smile like a satisfied cat (with an actual cream hidden her teeth).

She was this ' _happy_ ' when she had some grandiose plans.

Tamago eyed the door wondering about his chances and slumped in his chair. He had none.

Let's begin with things she knew, he assured himself.

"Ahh... Ahem... you were right... he is the grandson of the vice admiral, Garp the Fist, _bon_."

Big Mom continued munching on her fifty layers of cakes (or was it sixty? He may have missed some), finishing each one with three bites.

"Should we send people to attack him?" he asked hesitantly.

It would be a slaughter, plain and sample. (He doesn't need to say who is the one doing the slaughter or who the slaughtered, does he?!)

Big Mom stopped eating, her mouth hanging open. She seemed to be really considering this but then she said simply, "No," and closed it around the cake in front of her.

And that's it. He breathed a sigh of relief inwardly.

He tried to drink more tea, taking small sips, to moist his dry throat.

"He has two brothers, _bon_."

Finding this information was a pure luck, but he really wished he hadn't. It was a pure bad luck if you asked him.

"Two brothers! Hmmmm..." Big Mom widened her smile while she stuffed her face with more cake, looking contented.

"Yes, one is Fire Fist Ace D. Portgas, he … "

He was cut off by the sound of several things breaking, angry curses, and murmur, "…Of another bloody D..".

Tamago forced himself to ignore the impulse; to turn around to see the damage of Mama throwing her cup across the room behind him.

At least it was a cup. It shouldn't be too much damage. _Right?_

The gasps from the staff that kept the tea hot and the endless supplies of cake coming told an entirely different story.

Big Mom relaxed in her chair and opened a drawer to her right taking out a perfect replica of the cup she had just thrown and poured herself a new cup of tea. Her round, orange eyes narrowing in thought as she demanded.

"Why is his name familiar?"

Tamago hurried to answer, "He is the second commander of Whitebeard."

"The old man!" Big Mom yelled, she opened her mouth... and he was sure that he was going to be ordered to be prepared for war … this would not end well.

"…"

Whitebeard may have been injured, but an injured tiger was the most dangerous. He would lash out with deadly intent from the get a go, aiming for the jugular. Whitebeard would want to prove he was still on top, beating another Yonko, with the feast he had already achieved would do just that.

Tamago tried not to imagine a showdown between Whitebeard and Mama and failed. With one _punch of his fists,_ that man can unleash wave after wave of destruction and abolition on their land.

Could Mama fight against him? Sure, one of the few, but could she win? He wasn't sure if she would be alive afterward. (And they may have to fight the man either way if Big Mom doesn't return Fishman Island, but he prefers much later. Like never.)

"…"

Big Mom let the unfinished cake slip from her hand. Her happy Mood not so happy anymore.

"The other one?" she demanded.

"His name is Sabo… "

She nodded for him to continue, her gaze making him squirm like a little naughty boy.

"…we just found out …that he is…the chief of staff for the Revolutionary Army, _jour._ "

"Meaning?"

"He is the second in command."

It felt to Tamago as if the silence was a cloud that spread all over engulfing him, chocking him.

He dared not breathe.

"Did we find anything about their secret base…" Mom paused searching her memory "Baltigo?"

"No, we know nothing, _bon_ ," he spoke, trying to keep his voice level. To him, he sounded like he was failing, _miserably_.

He considered mentioning his calls to their spies in the Marines and World Government, that were all in vain. Why the hell did they keep them around when all they said, _"No more information available right now"!?_

Mama despised excuses. _Don't dig yourself into an even bigger hole._ He kept his mouth shut, clutching his jaw.

Big Mom took the huge cup of tea, that fit in her hand perfectly, drank a long sip, then carefully returned to it saucer and calmly she asked.

"What else?"

Things were getting worse to worse.

Tamago didn't dare blink or move.

He opened his mouth several times and closed it. Seeing Big Mom's eyes narrowing with each passing moment, he blurted out

"There are rumors that his father is Dragon, _bon_."

Big Mom blinked once, then another and growled.

"Tamago,... are you shitting with me now.."

The way she said his name, made his bladder give a jerk.

"No, no, no mama…" he hurried to correct himself.

"A Fire Breathing Dragon…. Is his father." She demanded, her hand pounding the table, easily destroying it in half, and everything on it (the poor saucer!).

He could see in the corner of his eye several of the staff peaking in, cowering at the view.

"No, mamma ... I didn't mean… _soir ,_ " he needed to make it right. Fast.

"That's what you said!" she snarled at him.

"Yes, Mama. My mistake… What I meant … is the most dangerous man in the world …"

Big Mom twitched, her hand clenching... _bad choice of words you moron,_ he bleated himself.

" ..according to the marines …." He added hurriedly. His voice leaving no doubt, that he thought the Marines were morons for thinking that.

And they were, utterly wrong; in front of him now was the most dangerous thing ever.

He swallowed the lump sticking in his throat and continued "...the leader of the Revolutionary army…"

Big Mom relaxed a bit in her chair, her eyes were still narrowed, her hands in her lap.

"Oh, that Dragon… sheesh …"

The staff come in with new table filled with all kind of cakes and pastry and took the broken parts and the spilled cake swiftly. They clearly had had years upon years of practice.

Big Mom was in deep thought. The fact that quantities of saliva and drool were not failing from her mouth was very alarming.

"What else?"

Big Mom demanded while glaring at him as if all of this was his fault and Tamago had no doubt that in her mind it was.

Involuntarily a shiver run down his spine.

"We found that str…" – _N_ _o better not say his name_ – "…the …brat…was trained by Silvers… Rayleigh, _bon_!"

Big Mom twitched, her huge body vibrating with fury. Her face was the picture of true hatred.

It was no secret that Big Mom hated Roger with passion, and blamed him solely for stealing the tile of the Pirate King from her fingers. Therefore, and anyone in his crew was someone she wanted to crush. _Especially_ the man's own first mate.

"That old bat is still alive … and he trained the brat... are you sure?" she said between gritted teeth. Her eyes glinting alarmingly.

"Yes…."

This was one piece of the information that was the easiest to obtain.

"Where is he?"

Mama was truly furious, but thankfully she was somehow keeping the lid on it, but he could see it was taking a lot of effort. And Big Mom hated to waste effort on stupid and mundane things.

"He was last seen in Sabaody Archipelago, a few months ago _, jour_."

Mama glared impatiently.

"There was no more sighting of him… I told our allies in Paradise to search for him and to update you immediately... but not to engage him, _bon_."

He added the last bit tentatively, but not saying it and Mama finding about it later would have unfavorable consequences.

He shivered feeling the temperature drop several degrees, the only positive thing was that Big Mom wasn't looking at him right now.

Tamago eyed the door again from the corner of his eye, unable to decide between bolting or blurting the next bit.

"Amm... Mama..." he tried cautiously, his voice hardly above a whisper.

"What else?" she loudly demanded, all of _her_ tuned on him.

"…."

He found his tongue suddenly refusing to cooperate, his bladder in the other hand was very cooperative in his need to _let go (Let go~~ let go~~)_.

"Amm … We think that Strawhat.."

Shit, he shouldn't have had said his name… _moron, moron, moron._

"Spit it out," Big Mom growled.

"….May have some relationship …. with …." He chocked... _on what? His mouth was drier than a dessert_.

"...Red.. Hair..." he was finally able to choke between coughs. Hoping that Big Mom would mistake it for something else, anything… but _ohhhhhh_ …in vain.

Big Mom's eyes firmly on him and finally she asked.

"What kind of relationship?"

Shit.

"….A … good... one," he hazarded.

"…."

"…."

"What make you think that they have a _relationship_ …?" she asked more slowly. Her voice and demeanor menacing.

"The...Hat..." he mutters, taking out several posters form the briefcase beside him, clutching them in his hands like a drowning man clutching a lifeline. Or in this case, the line around his neck that was getting tighter and tighter with each passing second.

They were of a young Red Hair Shanks, and of Strawhat.

"Give me the damn posters…" she took them impatiently form his pale shivering fingers.

"….That blasted Hat... from one bloody nauseous bastard to another... first bloody Roger... then that Red Hair brat… and now this…. Always putting their big fat nose where it isn't welcomed..."

Tamago's eyes were glued to the table. He was afraid to breathe while Mama raged and muttered.

The long silence that followed was disrupted by the sound of paper crumpling and ripping.

Tamago, hesitatingly and with dread filling his heart raised his head, not daring to lock eyes with Big Mom, asked.

"Mama... what do you want us to do about his …f...amily?"

"…"

Big Mom grudgingly said.

"Forget his damn family... Find the damn shitty brat and bring him **here**."

"…"

"…."

"Why are you still here?"

"…"

Tamago audibly gulped. Knowing that the wisest thing was to leave and quickly, but he couldn't. His legs refusing to obey him. Dammit, why should he be the one to do this. This was waaaaaaaay above his pay grade (not that he got paid enough. Candy wasn't payment, but no one dared tell Mama that, and living in her Utopia was privilege like no other. Who needed money compared to that!?)

"…"

"M…ama .. is it …wise to go… after… him?"

He finally said what was on his mind. _For the sake of the crew._

For fucking sake, he wasn't the one supposed to do this. He intended to have few words with one of the Sweet Commanders and have them do the talking. They had the best chance of surviving such talks and maybe even have Mama listen (Fat chance in hell). They were at least her flesh.

He would have even made do with the asshole Cracker. It would have been a pain in the ass to have him understand civilly about why was it a bad idea to go after this rookie, who has so much fucking backing, but he would have done it.

But none of them were here or about to arrive anytime soon. He was desperate enough that he had considered asking Chiffon, she was the sane one, but Mama would kill her before listening to anything she had to say and he really preferred to stay away from Pudding and her twisted personality, she would likely side with Mama, she always did.

 _For the sake of the crew._ He repeated in his head, clearing his throat and making no eye contact as he dived in.

"How about we go after the punky kid or the other one…"

Tamago never had the chance to finish his sentence or any other one for that matter. Ever.

Mama raged.

.

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(The Cake island was destroyed utterly by enraged Big Mom, no one was able to stop her. Even though some brave souls tried (An idea of huge cake to be quickly prepared to calm the beast was never executed as the first victims were the poor chefs), their sacrifice were in vain as none were able to escape fast enough from her uncontrollable rage except those that were already sailing their ships and didn't stay and stupidly tried to help. They were the ones that told the tale of enraged Mama shouting one name repeatedly, **"Straw…Hat …Luffy".**

And with that, the whole Totto Land sunk to the sea with everyone in it… and _dear children_ that's the story of how Strawhat become a Yonko.)

.

( _What's the moral of this story?.. oh, I wonder.)_

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(Luffy half waked up from a pleasant dream about huge meat ship that Franky and Sanji made for him, and Nami was beating him up for eating it, while shouting about "you would kill us all, you moron" .. to the murmurs of his crew.

"Oh my god?"

"Is this for real?"

"With Luffy's luck, sure."

"Undoubtedly."

Robin's laugh and Usopp's cry registered somehow in his sleepy brain.

Nami's emerged kick sobered him up, he shouted, "I am the Captain... and I wanna eat my ship."

"HUH"

"Eat the ship…?"

"Do I need to enlarge our meat supply again?"

"You should! Definitely, I don't wanna die cause Luffy found nothing to eat."

"Luffy… you are a Yonko now."

Luffy confused and still sleepy, looked at Robin and whined.

"Nooooooooooooo.. I don't want junk food... I wanna meat!"

"You moron. You've become a Yonko." Nami shouted, murmuring under her breath "How the hell did you do it is a freaking mystery."

Luffy blinked not understanding, shifting his head from side to side.

"A Yonko like Shanks," Robin told him, knowingly.

Luffy opened his mouth and closed it thoughtfully.

"B…But I didn't kick anyone ass yet," Luffy protested.

He heard someone choke and shifted his head to find Traffy coughing and Sanji patting him on the back in one hand and holding a tray in the other.

Sanji gave him a nod, indicating that everything was under control.

"…"

Luffy stood up slowly, his hand going to his Hat making sure it was secure in its place, looking as determined as they ever saw him, glaring at his crew, he announced.

"I refuse to be a Yonko, until I beat their asses to my satisfaction."

He eyed his crew, waiting for someone to challenge him.

He heard Traffy cough more violently, but his eyes never left his crew before him. Sanji said it was under control, and Chopper would take care of him of anything went wrong.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

The crew member burst out laughing (except Usopp who hadn't stopped sobbing, and Chopper who was trying to cure him).

"Just like you Luffy, to say this," Robin remarked wearing her special knowing smile (Luffy doesn't know what she knows, but she knows a lot, she read books...)

"Sounds like a good plan, Captain," Zorro told him while smirking and taking a long gulp of sake.

Nami huffed and was muttering under her breath (that was normal, she always did that! She didn't beat him up, meaning she agreed!). Sanji passed by and give her a cup to calm down her delicate nerves.

Franky shouted SUPER, giving him a conspiratorially wink, and Brook laughed "Yohohoho" taking out his violin and beginning to play while humming.

His crew agreed.

Luffy beamed.

"Oi… we have ships sailing at our direction... They are moving fast." Law shouted suddenly.

The whole crew was on alert.

Luffy jumped on Sunny's head, his eyes squinting to see the sailing ships heading their way.

"Who are they?"

"Friend or Foe?"

"Marines..?"

"Shit, they have Big … Mom's jolly roger!" Shouted Law.

"That one of her Sweet Commanders…." Robin told them calmly.

 _What did Traffy just say?_

"Whose mom … ?" Luffy asked confused.

"Seriously?"

"Why me?"

"The one you spoke to in Fishman Island and challenged **, Big Mom** ," Nami screamed at him.

"Oh … what's the old hag want? I said I am going to find her and beat her up."

"She is the one that you defeated and took her seat as Yonko."

"But I didn't fight her... yet..." Luffy protested, scratching his head.

He needed to beat her up then he can be a Yonko and protect the Fishman Island like he had promised (He need to beat them all up to be the Pirate King).

"We know Luffy, but the world thinks you did, and because of that you are now a Yonko," Robin explained.

 _The world… the world can stuffed._

No one decided for him, he was the one who decided.

"Those assholes... come for revenge," Zoro remarked while taking his swords out, taking his sentence ready to slice his way through.

"We are all going to die," Screamed a crying Usopp hysterically.

"So, these are with Big Mom."

"Yes, Luffy," Robin answered him, at the same time Nami shouted, "Luffy what are you planning… _ohhh.._ noooo.. don't dare…"

"Shishishishishi…"

"…"

"…"

"Did he…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Oi, guys, what are you doing we need to set sail and get out… where is Strawhat-ya?"

They all in full synchronicity brought their hands up and gestured at the coming fleet.

 _This one fucking weird crew_ , Law thought, before it dawned on him what they meant.

"What the hec... _Why_?" he choked.

"You better sit down, Traffy, and enjoy the quiet," Robin told him while taking a drink from the tray in Sanji's hand, who beamed at her lovingly. She put it on a small table beside her beach chair as she sat comfortably in it, adjusting her sunglasses.

Traffy?! Damn this crew. He told Strawhat-ya thousands time to call him 'Law' because apparently 'Trafalgar' was a _mouthful_ (with a mouth like his, unlikely!), but _noooooooo_. He was stuck with Traffy. Her captain was an idiot, but what the hell was her excuse?!

Zorro sits back, sheathing his swords. Law looked at him pleadingly but he only gave him a smirk and took a long gulp of his sake.

Nami sighed and gestured to Franky who was still stuck in his SUPER pose. "Fill cola in the engines and be ready to use the Coup De Burst in a moment's notice. Have even more barrels in standby. We may need to use it continually."

"SUPER," the hybrid blue machine shouted, and bolted to do what needed to be done.

Finally, someone with some brains, Law sighed his relief inwardly. The navigator was the only sane one here.

"Hopefully we don't have to drag Luffy back, but if we have too, don't forget to take anything valuable from them. _All of it."_

"Of course, Nami-swannnn," the cock swirled around, taking the glass from her hand and giving her another one.

 _Maybe not._

Chopper and Usopp were dancing around in panic to the sad tone of doom the skeleton was enthusiastically and dramatically playing, tears streaming down their eyes.

Law wondered for the thousandths time, what the hell was he freaking thinking when he had suggested an alliance with this _dysfunctional_ crew.

 _He was utterly and totally screwed. Soooooooooooo screwed._

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.

 **In the Big Mom's ship**

 **.**

"Something incoming…"

"Fast…."

"They are attacking us..."

"Can we evade it? .."

"Too fast... "

"Don't worry, our Commander can deflect anything..."

"Stop," ordered Katakuri, the last remaining Commander of the Sweet, the second son of (deceased?!) Big Mom.

Using his heightened observation Haki which allowed him to see a little bit into the future, 7 seconds to be exact.

"You move to the left," he barked and gestured to his subordinate, who instinctively obeyed.

The crash came exactly where he had expected to be, none of his subordinates moved, waiting loyally for his orders.

Out of the wreckage come out a figure, a boy, they heard his loud voice.

" **Phew** ... that was close... I thought I would miss …," they saw his shadow putting a hat on his head.

The smiling Strawhat come to stand on the deck, looking around curiously.

Everyone took out their weapons without Katakuri's signal.

This man was somehow responsible for Big Mom's defeat, her fall from grace. They don't know how or what exactly happened, and right now no one cared.

They would take him down.

"Yes," said Katakuri answering the _yet_ unasked question, his hand hovering beside him, undecidedly. His prey had come to him without even an invitation. Should he kill him or to have him answer his questions first then kill him?

"Is this Big Mom ship?" Luffy asked a second after, then he smiled widely, and laughed jovially.

As one everyone got ready to take down this _son of a bitch_ that was looking down at them.

Katakuri sharply gestured for them to stop, and demanded, "What you mean you would help bring Big Mom back?" while Luffy cheerfully and loudly yelled, "Let's bring big Mom back..."

Luffy paused and beamed at him (can the rubber head produce ray of sunshine?).

"She needs to be a Yonko for me to beat her up, that was our promise."

.

For the first time in his life, Katakuri found himself without words.

What frustrated Katakuri was that the brat in front of him meant every word, he would help bring Big Mom back, build her damaged reputation back up just to challenge her again.

….

He really had a very bad feeling about this.).

..

.

This was inspired by an editing of Manga page (don't own, but thankful to whoever created it, see cover image): where Sanji tells Luffy to leave him and not help him because Big Mom would come after his family. Luffy in his turn thinks hard about his family. Please see cover image for Luffy's indescribable expression.

It made me crack up and with my beta encouragement, I wanted to share my vision of such conversation. What do you think?

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I am supposed to be working on my other stories, but this came to my mind and refused to leave.

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 **Please leave a review sharing your thoughts and cheer me up, and you are more than welcome to check my other stories and leave me a line. :D**


	2. Chapter 2

The idea wouldn't leave me… so here some reaction to the news of Luffy becoming a Yonko and beating Big Mom (not the canon version). If you have no idea what I am talking about read the first chapter. A reminder WB and Ace are alive.

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This is just crack and fun, each chapter will be for another crew/person etc..

.

This Chapter was beta'd by the amazing **Black' Victor Cachat.** Please check his stories. I for one enjoy them very much:D

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.

To understand half the jokes and references, I would recommend reading first **"** **Shanks's Hair Trouble** **"** (you should read all my fic's really and leave long ass reviews).

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XXX

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"Shanksssssssssssssssss…" come the roar as the corpulent Lucky Roo raced across the deck of the _Red Force_ , heading towards where he knew all his crewmates were gathered together this morning.

He forced himself to move even faster.

Faster!

Almost there.

"What is it Lucky Roo?" Answered Shanks calmly.

Too calmly.

Charging around the corner, at the last moment, Lucky Roo _braked_ his run suddenly, which ended with few of his crewmates- those not lucky enough to get out of the way in time- _hmmmm_ understanding the _actual_ meaning of 'crushed like sardines in a tin box,' or 'acting like the flying spaghetti monster' (Lucky Roo had met few of them…well, _ate_ them… they were delicious, if hard to catch. They zipped away just like those he sent flying with his sudden stop. Oopsy!).

Finally, Lucky Roo stopped and opened his mouth to tell them the exciting un-fadoodling-believable news, but found himself pausing, the words dying on his lips.

None of the sitting crew (neither those crushed nor those returning from their flying journey even looked at his direction, nor complained about his sudden and deadly arrival. More importantly, no one was drinking or partying.

Not even a whisper could be heard.

He surveyed the scene, trying to decipher the reason behind it and was utterly, truly, madly taken aback.

…

Why, you ask?

Hmmm….

The fact that his captain answered him calmly wasn't what took him back. No.

Neither was the fact he didn't have a bottle of sake attached to his hand, nor the fact that he wasn't smiling. Neither was the fact that none of the crew were.

Benny always complained they acted more like a merry wannabe boyband (I want it that way~~ Bye, Bye~~) than pirates.

Even though Lucky Roo was in hurry to share the news, he still had a chunk of meat in his hand, while the newspaper had flown from his other hand when he sprinted here.

Yet… th...the...s… scene in front him, almost… Almost made him _drop_ it (not like that would have stopped him for eating it, but still!).

Lucky Roo swallowed. Trying to find his balance and maybe… just maybe finally understanding what in Roger's mustache was going on here?

What had had he missed when he slept in, before the news coo woke him up? Lucky Roo give another glance around and his eyes once more stopped on his captain.

He shrugged mentally and admitted to himself that what had made him _almost_ drop his precious meat was…. **no**. It wasn't that either. He was not really thrown off by the fact that Shanks had chicken scratch drawing on his face… probably Yasopp's doing, wasn't something new (*Tale as old as time*). And, YES, he meant an actual, literal _scratch_ of a chicken on the captain's chin. (The reason he was able to so intimately recognize such scratches lay in a piece of his personal history he swore never to reveal.)

Nope, nor was he taken aback by the childish drawing of black eye and -a banana?— between his Captain's mouth and nose. Lucky Roo supposed it was meant to be a mustache (maybe like Whitebeard, he guessed). Nor were the small leaves badly drawn around the captain's scars under his eye really out of place. The drawings on his Captain face (if one could call such _atrocity_ that) weren't what had made him almost drop his meat, he concluded.

Truly, this happened every Monday, and Thursday. Sometimes Sunday, Tuesday, and Wednesday…..well, any time they partied, or got drunk, gambled…you know, every damn day of the week, twice around.

Benn almost had aneurysm once when they went to fight with "Red Haired all around even down there" with an arrow (do I need to tell you to where it pointed? Do I?) written on the Captain's face in red!

It had become a rule that before any fight, you had to clean your face (Benny had insisted, even threated with leaving!). It doesn't matter if you were about to be impaled by a sword, shot in the head…clean your face and then beat the holy shit of the motherfadoodle eating crap-hole. Or as Yasopp eloquently explained it: 'Why do you think it's mandatory to know how to swim before joining the Red-Hair Pirates? You _shower_ before and after each fight. We are not animals, yo. Civilized gentleeemannn of the sea, that's what we are.' (Yes, you hadn't misread it- showering is equal to -forced- swimming according to Yasopp, he was always delighted to give a hand to any crewmate in need of a shower. There was a _reason_ they were a non-Devil Fruit member crew.)

(Another rule was added afterward about not using permanent markers . . . Which most of the crew conveniently forget to follow).

What really made Lucky Roo stomach turn (He yet to decide if it was good or bad turn, mind you).

It was the person sitting in front of Shanks.

No, that wasn't accurate either.

He knew that person. Not knew him, knew him, but _knew him (_ you get what he meanssss).

Don't get him wrong, he saw him a few times, even shared some meat with him (Lucky Roo liked him, because he politely refused!).

He was _ehmmm_ nice and …...he was without his hat. Which wasn't that super strange… actually yeah… it was.

It was Lucky Roo's first time seeing him like that. Without a hat! Especially when he saw that the hat was on Yasopp's head.

Hawkeyes Mihawk. The strongest swordsman in the World. A Warlord, was sitting in front of Shanks, staring unblinkingly back at their captain.

His hair had few flowers woven into it, and someone had tried to braid them into a crown or tiara, but butchered it. Badly.

His face was adorned with some kind of star (with nine points?) drawn on his left side, half of his goatee was … not there anymore, and like Shanks, he had a very distinct black eye. Ahmmmm…very black!

And yeah, one couldn't miss that on his forehead was written, riddled with mistakes mind you, **"Property of Shankseey".**

"Lucky Roo?" Shanks asked with edge of annoyance to his voice, staring ahead at the Warlord unblinking.

Lucky Roo tried to pick up his still open mouth, and after few tries, he closed it with click.

He opened it again.

"What…. oh yeah… I wanted to tell you… Luffy is a Yonko now. He defeated Big Mom and destroyed her home island…" he muttered irritably, still trying to come to term with picture in front of him (and would someone bloody explain the reason for it!?).

..

..

..

Shanks blinked.

.

Lucky Roo blinked.

.

Shanks turned to face him, his mouth gaping… "W...w..wh..what?" he gurgled out.

Shanks's question shattered the Moment...just _shattered_.

The place erupted like volcano with cheers, shouts, and so manyyyyyyy questions.

 _Chaos had descendent, yoi._

"The brat did it?"

"Come again?"

"HOW?"

"WHEN?"

"I want details!"

"You sure?"

"The old hag is dead?"

"Roger's mustache! that's awesome.."

"Are there pictures?"

"YAHOOOO!"

"What happened!?"

"What does 'defeat' mean?"

"Ohhhhhh… The baby boy is coming…"

"Not a baby anymore!"

"I called it, didn't I call it! Told you Big Mom will be the first to go!"

"Does that mean we are next?"

"Better get ready!"

"Candy women melted away!"

"Bring the big guns!"

"Nah…. Kaido and the old manfirst..."

"500 beli on Kaido!"

"1000 on Whitebeard!"

"Yeah, we are last, baby..."

"Let's celebrate!"

"Cheers to that!"

"Where is the sake?"

"Our little boy has grown up!"

"It's too soon!"

"I still remember when he ate the Devil Fruit….."

"Details!"

"Is there a picture?"

"Yeah!"

"How did he do it?!"

"Truly!"

"Hey, should we take over some of her territories?"

"I want the candy land!"

"Aren't all of them candy?"

"Cocoa. We can get endless cocoa…"

"Yummm!"

"Heyyy, isn't there like a Liqueur Island in Big Mom's territory?"

"A what?"

"You mean one full of … sake?"

"Why didn't someone say something before?"

"Why don't WE own such an island?"

"We can have it as our base!"

"Base, what base? Captain would drink it dry in a week!"

"I will bet on Yasopp finishing it first!"

"I will drink it all!"

"Pffttt…. You get drunk on chocolate with a tiny bit of sake inside it."

"I don't!"

"I bet 1000 that Benn will confiscate it."

"The island?"

"Or drink it to the ground!"

"Possible, He does always complain that the captain made him an alcoholic…"

"We also helped!"

"Nah, he will sell the island….or burn it to the ground!"

"Nooo…he wouldn't do that….would he!?"

"Why waste the sake….."

"That's just … cruel!"

"He can get pissy…soooo.."

"It will be easy…. Just light his cigarette!"

"You sure Luffy beat the old hag?"

"You aren't pulling our legs?"

"For Luffy!"

"The cake-sucker is gone!"

"Strawberry lava for all!"

.

"You blinked." Hawkeye said in an even, matter-of-fact tone, somehow carrying to everyone.

.

The two words made the place dead silent. Even an enraged Benn bent on chasing whoever brought the forbidden scissors aboard the _Red Force,_ would not have succeeded in making the place this quiet.

Shanks mouth still gaping, turned to face back the swordsman, only one word spilling from his open mouth.

"SHIT!"

The place erupted with cheers and snickers once more.

"Ohhhhh…..."

Some grimaced, other laughed clutching their stomach and each other.

"Double or nothing," Shanks demanded, seemingly able to regain some of his wits, but still looking like a caged animal that Lucky Roo was about to roast.

"No," Hawkeye answered easily, still not blinking.

The news of Luffy's new status hadn't fazed him. At all.

His face was like blank white sheet (with star, black eye and "Property of Shankseey", yet still blank!), except Lucky Roo could swear on his storage of meat (that didn't exist! Well, his stomach could be seen as one, if you considered minced meat only) that the man was radiating glee and relish. Extremely satisfied with himself and the world at large.

"But… but…" Shanks tried, looking around him, seeking something ...anything.

"All of it!" The Warlord demanded.

Shanks whimpered.

"Cruel!" uttered Shanks. It sounded like a pout. Lucky Roo wasn't the only one who thought that, going by all the snickers and sniggers that accompanied his answer.

Yasopp cleared his throat, getting everyone attention.

"I think we should go pick fight with Kaido. If Luffy took care of Big Mom, we shouldn't let him get big headed," Yasopp announced with unhidden glee, and stood up making it a point that they should go now. "Let's show him how it's done!" The crew cheered and "Aye'd" to this.

"We are not going anywhere," Shanks shouted and then quietly added, "For like a month. No… a year… How _fadoodling_ long it takes a hair to grow back?"

"I think we should look for new name," Yasopp continued ignoring him "yo'know….cause Shanks will have no _red hair_ on his head….I vote for red eyebrows!"

"Baldy!"

"Chicken shit face."

"No hair?"

"You're asking or _suggesting_?"

"Badass!"

"Ass!"

"Maybe have Shanks grow a beard and call him Redbeard!"

"Hey… we can use Big Mom's name! She ain't goona use it no more!"

"Luffy made sure of it!"

"DANM STRAIGHT!"

"Big Shanks!"

"Huge…"

"Bigely Shanksey!"

"Shanks Mom."

"Dad?"

"Dad Shanks!"

"Shanks Dad!"

"Papa Shanks!"

"Daddy?"

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

" _ **Hey gal, who's your daddy?"**_

"Shanksssyyyyyy" the whole crew screamed, falling into a fit of giggles. (Teenage girls all around the world felt ashamed and insulted to be compared to them. They adamantly and strongly refused to concede for any similarity whatsoever, quoting that they at least breathed when the giggled and spat, and drool weren't involved).

"Bring the scissors," demanded the Warlord. He was a man with mission.

Silence prevailed again over the kingdom.

"Ehmmm… we have none!" someone finally squeaked. "No razors either."

The swordsman turned to face him with a raised eyebrow that demanded elaboration.

"Benny," Lucky Roo said with shrug. Taking pity on his crewmate that were clearly unsure how to explain (where to begin, really!) about the hair _issues_ that haunted the crew.

The mention of Benn's name made Shanks perk up (Benny to the rescue!?), and everyone looked suspiciously around, expecting him to jump any minute to _tusk tusk_ at them.

Well, Benny was like the devil. You were attracted to him, felt the need to follow him, to appease him, and were deathly afraid of him catching you with your hand in the cookie jar, especially cause he somehow _always_ knew when your hand was inside the jar trying to close on the cookie. On second thought, it felt like he was describing a 'mother' and not the devil! Hmmmm…. Maybe that's said something about moms.

The swordsman blinked for the first time. _Hullellejui!~ A miracle!~ He was human after all~_

Hawkeyes nodded, satisfied with the reply, like it had answered everything (In reality it did).

Shanks looked relieved, like an _ant_ that dodged a huge foot coming down on it at the last second. (Lucky Roo saw him mouthing his love and adoration to his first mate).

 _Where was Benny anyway?_

"Oh well," said the swordsman standing up as he unsheathed his sword. "There's another way to claim my prize."

Shanks blinked confused for second, before the blood drained from his face.

.

The poor ant.

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I promise that I am working on my stories! It just a lot of things going on in my life and I am finding it hard to juggle everything.

 **How many song references did you catch?**

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know!

 **Send me some love, M &M's, and if not possible, I will accept reviews (I am gracious like that XD) **


	3. omake to chapter2

**Continuation of LAST CHAPTER (not a new reaction).**

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This chapter was inspired by my dear Beta **Black' Victor Cachat , who asked what Sengoku's reaction to the new appearance of our darling Hawkeyes will be**.

This Chapter was beta'd by the amazing **Black' Victor Cachat** **.** Please check his stories. I for one enjoy them very much:D

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 **Omake1:**

Sengoku cleared his throat for the fifth time in the last minute.

Blinked.

Stared.

Blinked again.

Stared.

Nope, the image that his brain insisted he was seeing hadn't changed.

He cleared his throat again.

Should he ignore it or not?

It told you a lot about the situation that he really, really wished that Garp was here.

He would have bluntly, rudely, without thinking (the man had no brain) have asked, or demanded, an answer, or done _something_. Even him laughing like the madman he was, would have made the situation less awkward than it was now.

He would have even settled for Doflamingo the pink freak being here. With his big month, he would have made some kind of awful joke.

He wondered if it was too late to send a ship to bring the pinky feather-fetish flamingo to the meeting. His analytical mind as always when faced with such a dilemma, asked himself "was it worth the hassle?"

Postpone the meeting and have the Warlords already here wait? Check, no skin of his nose.

Ordering to bring an ex-Warlord here from Impel Down on short notice? Duhhhh, He was the Fleet Admiral.

Arrange for an escort of battleships to deliver the prisoner here, unscheduled, costing millions? Yeah, why not. The marines could take it. His mental state was more important. Not like there was not room in the budget; especially if he did something like make Garp pay for his own crackers and doughnuts for a month. Or even just a week…

Bonus point: seeing Doflamingo in his prison uniform.

Explaining why he brought him here? He doesn't have to, he was THE Fleet Admiral.

Now, tolerating Doflamingo until he sent him back?

Nahhhh, not worth the hassle.

Dismissing the idea, he brought his analytical mind back to the issue at hand.

Should he just ignore it? Whatever it was? He really wasn't equipped to deal with this. Why should he!? The Warlords were a tool at his disposal. He ignored their criminal deeds to a point, and they did his bidding when he needed them.

(More or less.)

So why wasn't he able to ignore that damn thing…!?

Maybe because it was staring right back to his face.

The Fleet Admiral made a decision.

He cleared his throat, and said firmly, "Mihawk." (His voice didn't quiver, this is all in your head, dammit).

The man staring unblinkingly at him, his hands folded in front of him, merely raised his eyebrow, indicating he was listening.

Sengoku cleared his throat and added, "Is…umm… there something you want to share?"

The swordsman merely raised his other eyebrow as an answer. A Big Fat NO.

For the love of One Piece, there was nowhere in the job discerption – _even a mere mention_ – that he will have to deal with **kinky love life** of his Warlords. He had checked three times.

A Warlord and A Yonko! (MEAT SAVE US ALL! AGEHHH…. The situation was getting worse by the second! He was **even** sounding more like Garp. MEAT HELP HIM… AGEHHH…not again! Sengoku shivered).

(He heard rumors that he had dismissed, but staring straight to his face was evidence. The truth!).

Of course, they couldn't have a normal relationship. He would have happily tolerated the pirates having a bloody love relationship; especially if it was really a Romantic Tragedy. Where in the last act they end up killing each other, sparring him from seeing this (He would even volunteer to give the eulogy. FOR BOTH. "IT BLOODY HAPPY DA…EHMMM..SAD… SAD, VERY SAD DAY…..").

But nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

It had to be Kinky! Black eyes, stars, princess flowery crowns, and **property**.

 **Property of Shankseey!** (Couldn't they be a bit more discreet. For Roger's sake, you know, like maybe put on the Red-Hair flag instead!? On second thought, maybe not.)

And the man himself was unruffled, no care in the world.

He was a bloody moron, Sengoku diminished himself.

He should have told them: "no, thank you," and stayed Admiral! Maybe even get Garp drunk and tricked him into accepting the promotion.

What was the retiring age again?

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 **Omake2:**

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Marine1: Did…?

Marine2: …

Marine3: …

Marine1: Ummm…?

Marine2: …

Marine3: …

Marine1: Was that….?

Marine2: Yeahhhhhhhhhhh…?

Marine3: …

Marine1: A Warlord?

Marine2: …Yes…

Marine3: …

Marine1: He had….

Marine2: …Yup…

Marine3: …

Marine1: On his face…

Marine2: … Uhhh..

Marine3: …

Marine1: A star…

Marine2:…With 9 points? Nahhhh… it was a kraken…

Marine3: …

Marine1: Tattoo…?

Marine2: …Yeahhhhhhh …

Marine3: …

Marine1: Scary….

Marine2: …Uhhhhaaa…very…..

Marine3: …

Marine1: And…

Marine2: …?

Marine3: …

Marine1: Black…eye

Marine2: …Yeahhhh….

Marine3: …

Marine1: who….you know…?

Marine2: …Umahhhh

Marine3: …

Marine1: Strong enough…

Marine2: …Hmmmm

Marine3: ….

Marine1: To punch…. _him!_

Marine2: … _Yeahhhhhhhh_

Marine3: …

Marine1: Is he alive?

Marine2: … Whoooooo

Marine3: …

Marine1: The one that punched him…..

Marine2: …Nahhhhhhh…

Marine3: …

Marine1: And his hair….

Marine2: …Uhhhhhaaa

Marine3: …

Marine1: It looked like horns….

Marine2: … THE DEVIL!

Marine3: …

Marine1: Maybe…

Marine2: …Hmmm

Marine3: …

Marine1: He looked…..

Marine2: …Yeahhh…

Marine3: …

Marine1: …

Marine2: …

Marine3: …Ummm…?

Marine1: What?

Marine2: …Wes?

Marine3: …WHO THE HELL IS SHANKSY?

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.

 **Send me some love, M &M's, and if not possible, I will accept reviews (I am gracious like that XD)**


	4. Chapter 4

The idea wouldn't leave me… so here some reaction to the news of Luffy becoming a Yonko and beating Big Mom (not the canon version).

.

This is just crack and fun, each chapter will be for another crew/person etc..

.

.

This Chapter was beta'd by the amazing **Black' Victor Cachat.** Please check his stories. I for one enjoy them very much:D.

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…

XXX

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"I don't understand, is he happy or angry?"

"Or sad?"

"Proud?"

"Enthusiastic, you mean?"

"Too damn much!"

"He was proud last week for sure!"

 _Fire Fist_ Ace demonstrate once again why he earned his _nickname_.

"Ouch..." winced Vista, one of the commanders surveying the scene from the upper deck. They all were present except of Jozu and Blamenco, who were stationed at the other Mobys.

"And another one bite the dust~" Atmos singsong in his gruff voice.

"Dunked you mean," Rakuyo corrected him amusedly.

"Send someone to pick the poor guy from the water, yoi," ordered Marco flatly.

"Ehmmm… I think the last one we sent is still picking up the last one Ace sent swimming..." Fossa told him in exasperation.

"How many have we sent to help now?" Jiru asked, having arrived few hours ago from a mission, and was still being 'caught up' on the latest happenings.

"Not enough apparently," Izo muttered under his breath.

"Maybe I should go and help?" murmured Namur as he eyed the ocean that a few of his brothers were occupying as unwilling participant.

"Nahhhh, play stupid games, win stupid prizes," Kingdew replied.

"Or get sent freestyle diving into the ocean," Thatch snickered as they watched another one fly twisting around himself several times before falling head first into the water.

( _Aaaand_ the results are just in as the Commanders hold up their score cards: 10, 9, 8, 10, 7, 10, 10, 8, 9, 5, 7,8 and Marco's 'I refuse to participate in this stupid game.' The last one was also written out on a card held by Thatch in front of Marco. Marco had begun scowling at him after the twenty-first time.)

"Ace will probably send them right back," Izo agreed.

"Are we sure he is happy? I thought he goes on eating sprees when he is happy, not pick fights and blow shit up…" Haruta thoughtfully remarked.

"He already had a food spree," Thatch answered immediately.

"And a drinking one..." added Curiel, accompanied with sigh of acquiescence.

"It all happened because of that call," complained Atmos.

"Don't remind me!" Vista murmured as he shivered.

"Because of what?" Jiru asked. Being gone for two weeks on mission seemed to have been either a blessing in disguise, or missing out on the most critical moment in Ace's life (and lots of fun). The jury was still out.

"The drinking bit began after the call," Izo explained patiently. "Not that he had any more after that."

"So… we still going with saying the Den Den Mushi disappeared, or was it a freak bit of New World weather stopping them from working right?" Rakuyo asked, as he smoothed his mustache.

"I thought we told Ace the rest are all still with the _Moby 2_ for their annual check-up?" Izo said, raising an eyebrow.

"I told him they fell into water," Thatch said confusingly.

"Technically, you're right. The first one did, yoi," Marco said, shaking his head. What bunch of wussies they were, yes including himself. They couldn't even bother to get their lies (white lies they may be) straight. They were Whitebeard Commanders, for Roger's sake! Not that it mattered, Ace was too busy being….hmmm…whatever it was, to notice.

"Thank God for that."

"Yeah, small mercies."

"Definitely!"

"Three hours of that was all I could take!" Namur announced, while the others nodded all in agreement.

Jiru was becoming increasingly confused.

"You went for swim, we were the one that had to stay and suffer," Thatch accused.

Namur shrugged, and murmured with twinge of regret, "I did my part. I didn't save the poor Den Den Mushi after it fell from Ace's hand."

(Not true! You sure did! The poor thing was very grateful to be left alone on the ocean floor! Finally some peace!)

"Who knew that Ace can be that loud? Screaming and shouting like that on the phone. He made Blamenco and Blenheim's duet drunk singing seems tolerable," Curiel said.

Everyone ignored Blenheim's indignant shout of "Hey, we're not that bad!"

"Who was he speaking with?" Jiru asked, feeling intrigued.

"Shouting you mean… I think it was his brother," Haruta answered, sounding unsure.

"The younger one?"

"Nah, the one with Revolutionaries," Izo said knowingly. "Sounds like he was going through the same thing as Ace."

"Doesn't matter which one, they're all menaces, I tell ya," Thatch huffed, folding his arms.

"You know, that make you one, a menace~. Right? As his big brother," Haruta pointed out gleefully.

Thatch blanched in denial, and spluttered an explanation, while the others shook their heads, and ignored Haruta's snickering, and Thatch's ranting of how he wasn't the same like those two menaces.

"The back from the dead one?" Vista half asked, making sure.

"Yup," Rakuyo said popping the 'p'.

"Aaaand after he accidentally dropped the Den-Den Mushi, that lead to the drinking spree that almost led to the depletion of sake," Fossa concluded, nodding in Ace's direction. Just in time to see him sending two people up in the air as they fell in synchronization into the water with big splash, leading to some creative cursing from those still in the waters.

(A heated discussion had erupted as result of this between the Commanders; if this should be scored as one performance, or individually, and just like that the paired divers competition commenced!)

"Something like that never happened before on the _Moby,_ " said Atmos, sounding almost impressed. Their reserves were legendary for a reason!

"I heard Pops complaining!" Vista concurred.

"He wasn't complaining at first." Izo intoned.

"Yup, Pops was happy to have his son drink with him," Blenheim murmured, stroking his beard. "Until he didn't stop!"

"Go figure, his black hole of a stomach digests sake at the same rate as food. Burnt through it too fast to even get drunk," Curiel remarked, shaking his head at the terrible, horrible memory.

A shiver run down everyone back. (Yes, including Pops, who was having a nap! Naps were not for babies, it was also for strong men that appreciated life. Drink, Fight and Sleep was their motto. (Just ask Zoro). If you thought otherwise, well you were free to come over here to 'discuss' it with him).

"Ahha, it is good thing he doesn't usually like to drink," muttered Kingdew.

They all nodded thankfully, even Marco.

"Sooooo… ehm..could someone explain ..." Jiru asked, and then paused and ended his question with a shrug pointing 'to all of _this_ '.

"His mood swings?" Izo supplied, earning guffaws and choked laughter.

Jiru nodded, a small smile appearing on his face.

Everyone stayed quiet, they were all looking from the corner of their eyes at their "big-bro." The silence was only disrupted with the sound of splash occurring because people were kept sent flying into the water, and of course the complaining shouts and screams of indignation about said falling.

Marco sighed in defeat, cursing under his breath. He cleared his throat, and cut right to the chase.

"His younger brother just defeated Big Mom…."

"I know," Jiru stated, cutting in.

"We know!"

"WE KNOW."

"Everybody knows."

"The world knows!"

"Those living under a rock know," Atmos murmured under his breath.

"Cause Ace told us," Haruta said while rolling his eyes.

"Like five hundred time," Thatch said loudly.

"Million," Izo corrected.

"Every day for the last week."

"Millions time a day."

"You want me to explain or not, yoi?" Marco snapped irritably, cutting into the rant.

They all quieted down.

"Explain, please..." Jiru finally asked.

"His younger brother…."

People groaned loudly and avalanche of information waiting to be shared, dropped.

"Stupid but Adorable!"

"The one that always followed him around."

"Always punched himself."

"Get swallowed by crocodile repeatedly and needed Ace's help."

"Always lost to Ace in fights."

"100 fight each day!"

"And in food fights."

"Yeah, those ones are most important."

"There is meat in his head instead of a brain."

"I thought it was rubber instead of a brain."

"No, he ate the Gomu Gomu no Mi."

"Yeah, the same brother…"

"Yeah, yeah…" cut in Marco, refusing to let this conversation continue. They all heard the stories even before this week, after they had met Ace's younger brother, when he fought alongside them against Kaido and the marines.

"...That brother just become a Yonko after defending another powerful Yonko… So Ace is having…" Marco paused unsure which word to choose.

"A midlife crisis," Izo supplied, making everyone snicker.

"….. A hard time adjusting to this…. new _reality_ , yoi."

They, of course, ignored Marco. Typical, asking him to explain, then disregarding everything he said.

"Empty nest syndrome," Curiel suggested.

"Marco, do something then…" Thatch whined, turning pleading eyes to stare at him.

"Huh?"

"You are a bird, so nests are your specialty!"

Everyone snickered and laughed. Izo didn't bother to hide his rolling eyes.

Marco decided not to grace this stupidity with a response, while mentally he tried to count ten reasons for why he shouldn't strangle Thatch. He was stuck at one.

"I think it's more like grief ..." trailed off Rakuyo.

"The five stage of grief," murmured Izo thoughtfully.

"Weren't they seven?"

"What were they again?"

"Denial and isolation; then Anger, Bargaining and Depression and finally Acceptance," counted Haruta with Izo nodding along.

"Soooo…"

"He is in his anger stage…?" guessed Vista.

"He better adjust fast… We are almost out of food…" Thatch announced.

"How long is each stage?"

"Emm a month?" guessed Haruta,

"What?!" everyone demanded their eyes turned on him, expect Marco who was looking at the sky (Hey up there, send help. _Emm_ pleaseeeeee!).

"A week?" Haruta weakly added and then corrected immediately. "Day, it's a day."

"Then he should have been back to normal yesterday," whined Thatch.

Haruta shrugged, as of saying it's out of my hand.

"I thought you'd gone to renew food supplies yesterday," Curiel asked Thatch.

"Yes, _we did_."

"Oh."

"And wood for repairs too… This is gonna cost us a bit..." Atmos remarked, assessing the damage. Jiru standing beside him nodded his agreement.

"Pops said to leave him alone, yoi," Marco reminded them.

"He spoils him too much." Thatch complained, as he moved to dodge a fire ball too close for comfort.

"Jealous baby," Izo teased him.

"'am not" Thatch dined venomously.

A raised eyebrow from everyone around was the answer.

"Wait a second… depression… You said depression… We are gonna have to put up with a depressed Ace…. I am sooooo outta of here," Blenheim said and left, not waiting for the others' response.

Chaos ascended.

"I think I am going to join those in the ocean."

"Sounds like a terrific idea."

"I am going back to the Moby 2."

"Take me with you, pleaseeeee?"

"Are there any long-term missions?"

"If not, just make one, you're a bloody commander!"

"Yeah, like going to the Winter Island for….coats!."

"Sounds good to me, freezing my balls is better than dealing with a mopping Ace."

They all nodded in agreement and scattered away, except Marco, someone was needed to deal with the aftermath, and it was always _always_ Marco's job.

The curse of being the mature one.

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I hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know!

 **Send me some love, M &M's, and if not possible, I will accept reviews (I am gracious like that XD) **


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